One Year On ... Dec 2010

On 10 Dec (Friday), I was in Israel. I learnt in psychology class about Elisabeth Kubler-Ross model of grief: that people can experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance during the grief process (not necessarily in that order). I experienced it first hand since 10 Dec 2009. That evening after work, I was with some classmates at Sunbeam Children's Home, exploring how we could participate in a project that might help the caregivers of these children. Mid-way through, I received an sms from Ee Peng to check my email. Then Jenni called after receiving similar sms, as she was also outside. Told her to ask Charlie to check email instead. Charlie called to say that Leonard has been involved in a road accident and cried over the phone as he revealed that mom has passed on. I excused myself immediately and drove home straight. I cried all the way home with fleeting thoughts that bombarded me non-stop: what happened? a serious collision? what about the other passengers? was there an animal? a kangaroo? maybe Leo was in a blurr, mom was just injured, mom has high pain threshold.. she will make it, what did Leo do? did he tried talking to mom? Were they speeding? What thoughts crossed mom's mind while waiting for help? Etc, etc, etc. In one night, I experienced denial, anger and bargaining.

Upon reaching home, Ronald asked what happened and I could only say "computer". Calls to other siblings followed. Apart from the email, no other info was available. We just had to wait. Family meetings at Ong Lye started the next day... as information trickled in and key decisions had to be made. Everyone rallied to get things done as there were suddenly so many things to deal with, while our grief was temporarily kept in abeyance. I remembered the call from Michelle and our decision that she need not return. What followed was our descent upon Jess’s home – to attend the funeral in Perth.

Post-memorial, I experienced recurrent sadness that was triggered easily by mere thoughts of events involving mom: at my hospital bed when I delivered Michelle, she lying on my sofa watching the Taiwanese serial, on the bed in my guess room nursing her blue blacks after her knee operation, at the sight of her studio apartment at Ang Mo Kio, her vomiting post-surgery at SGH ward, etc. I cry spontaneously when I drive alone in the privacy of my car while driving in public. It happened again on mother's day during church service.

Months on, I still wonder (even though I know these wonderings are pointless at the rational level) whether it would have made a difference if:

- she had bought the flat at block 203 (she liked it so much)

- I had insisted on knowing her plans in detail (she last said Leo had arranged for somebody to fetch to airport)

- one of us had brought her elsewhere

- I had spent more time hearing her out, the list goes on...

The cycle of thought would usually end with a reminder that she has passed on and that is an unchangeable fact. No matter what I think or do will not make any difference now. I comfort myself with thoughts that she is in a better place, that her passing was quick, that she has lived well, that she was happy up to the eve of her death. So, this private process of straddling between sadness and acceptance continues. Only time will heal and the intensity of emotions will lessen slowly. This is how grieving goes, I suppose.

For info on grief and loss, see link:

http://helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm

Ivy's Reflections

The gathering sure was a great way for us, families to rekindle our closeness and love towards each other, like Cat said (quoting Jerry) we should be willing to enter deeply into the life of another, which means allowing our lives to be changed, which means the person who is experiencing pain/loss must also be willing to receive the help and the friendship.

We are happy and excited to gather with the whole family. It seems like an eternity since we last saw each other and catch up with each other. I am glad to see everyone. This meeting is especially meaningful for us, because this is my first time visiting mother since the accident. I wasn't able to attend her memorial service and I felt really left out because I didn't get to see the pictures or videos.

A few things that I can recall about Mother. I miss Mother's laughter and the excitement that she showed when she played mahjong with Leo & I at Clementi. We used to drink tea or drink red wine, talking away about the old times, and we are always amazed that she is able to talk away and at the same time, draws herself back to the game. She's always winning and after she won, she will go to the market and buy groceries the next morning. I guess that's her way of telling us that she appreciates us spending time playing mahjong with her. At the market, she told me "Hmm..I need to get this pork rib for Cat and Jenni. Their market doesn't sell as fresh as what is available in Clementi. Ah.. you know, even Big is so used to do her marketing in Clementi market".

I think, being the newest member of the daughter-in-law, I spent the least time with her. However, I am able to look back and recapture the memorable time that we spent together. On some afternoon, we would spend time sitting down and Mother will tell me all her childhood stories of how she had to take care of her elder brother and how hard life was back then during the Japanese Occupation. Sometimes, we cried together.

Mother brought me to a few places: just me and her. I remember she brought me to St. Andrew's Cathedral and we had fun. We sing Mandarin worship songs, she sang and dance beautifully beside me. I was enjoying myself with her. Then we took a bus ride home.

We enjoyed going to the market, buying groceries. She can plan her menu very well despite her old age. She knows very well what she wants and what to get. She's also very thrifty and gave me a lot of advice which I will cherish for the rest of my life.

When she came over to KL, I remember I was new with the KL road, I didn't know how to drive to a LRT station, I was depending on a GPS. Leo was busy, so I tried my best to drive to the nearest LRT station even though we got lost a few times (o.O)'. To me, what mattered most was, she didn't pressure me or anything, she was very calm and just kept quiet when I needed to concentrate on the road. She trusted me to get her to her destination. Finally, we arrived at the station after like 40 minutes. I guess she must have been so relieved because she was rushing to attend her cell group the next day, Friday.

Cat, just want to say thanks for your effort, being our DOG. I will always try my best for our family even though we all know the journey is not a bed of roses. We do get scratched by the thorns occasionally but that's what makes us bind closer together in the face of adversities.

Visiting Mom and Dad on the 24th April 2010

This was our first quarterly family gathering and it was good to see everyone's faces. Kudos of course to Leo and Ivy for driving all the way down to be with us. (please do post pics guys!)

After spending some time at the niche and also chee bung, we headed to Seletar Reservoir Park.
Brooks and Jonathan (with maid Eva) took the kids while the rest of us sat on picnic mats and spent some time in reflection and sharing.

We read through parts of a chapter from the book 'A Grace Disguised'. This book was written by a man who in one moment lost 3 generations of his family - mom, wife and daughter. In the chapter we read, called A Community of Brokenness, Jerry talks about how pain and suffering can be such a solitary affair, but it need not be that way. In fact, pain and loss can also open doors for community.

Jerry shares there are 2 things that need to happen since community doesn't happen naturally.
Firstly, we need to be willing to enter deeply into the life of another, which means allowing our lives to be changed.

Secondly, it means the person who is experiencing pain/loss must also be willing to receive the help and the friendship. It will require courage to face the darkness and new skills.

Leonard shared that he was praying as he felt far from the family and he didn't know what to expect coming down yesterday. But he felt that our reading the chapter was itself an answered prayer.

We shared about how we need to learn to enter into each other's world and accept each other, before we even seek to correct and change another. We talked about how it required courage since seeing family only reminds us of the loss of mom. We also shared on we can learn to clarify assumptions rather than just bear grudges or feel a sense of distance from each other.

It was a good time of open sharing.
We proceeded to lunch at this restaurant called Woody....the spiciest buffalo wings you've eaten....wow, just thinking of it makes me feel....sssss....hiam ah!

i am grateful for the time we had, and look forward to the ways we can truly become friends to each other. And that in the end, mom's loss may not just leave a hole in our hearts and family, but may be the bridge to deeper levels of friendships and love we can have with each other.

One action point -
please try to update us about your family once a month - email or use this blog - as we all do our bit, it will go a long way to strengthening the ties that bind.

Till 17th July,
here's the DOG signing off

I had a dream

I took an afternoon nap. I dreamt about mom. I was home alone... but home was flat-like, with curtains drawn, fairly dark. Mom was with me. Mood seemed sombre. I said it is ok, my in-laws will bring dinner. She seemed to be looking for something. Then it dawned on me... so I said ok we cook dinner at home. She replied "yes, for just the two of us". I roused from my nap and thought that is so mom.. she wouldn't tell us in the face what she preferred and if I had not been intuitive enough to sense her preference, she would have gladly gone along with whatever I suggest. I must have been thinking about mom.

on being a Ho

Ai Tee just wrote about a Ho reunion...
and i was thinking..
i used to be SO PROUD about our family. i looked at my friends... and their families don't laugh as often, talk together, laze around like sun-tanning crocs...survive nasty relatives, explore new experiences..and most of all, have an incredible mother who never ceases to amaze (and even sometimes amuse) us!
i was so proud of being a Ho i had a hard time becoming a Huan!!
then things get rough
we grow up and apart
we see darkness
and our fabric of unity nearly tore ...
BECAUSE
we are forced by our choices
and our circumstances
to grow up, mature, decide again...to cherish being a Ho.

They say it's no big deal being happy with what you are handed
it's a big deal when you choose to cherish what you are handed when you have seen it for all it is

By God's amazing Grace
i cherish being a Ho even more
not because we made it up the rungs of society though we had a rough start
not because we never fight, disagree or despair

but because we have all chosen again and again
to be a Ho

a family that lives by values
treasures and nurtures bonds
experiences and seeks to offer love

a family that will make a difference in this world.

GOD has his eye on us all --
Mother nearly gave it all up
But she stepped back down and came back home to us
Mother positioned us for success by living according to her few clear values

Father never achieved any of his secret ambitions
but somehow he had a sense of responsibility
always there is rice, sugar and his favourite coffee
his simple offerings of being a dad
reining in his smoking
gambling
exploring who God is for himself finally...

and then us ..
{write your own story of grace}

and then our children...
{whose story we get to script a bit of}

HO SAY AH!

a few photos from memorial service

i have an entire CD with all photos still in numbers so i randomly picked a few...thought those who are overseas may want to see this...

Ho's reunion dinner

Yesterday, I was at the Republic of Singapore Yacht Club to board a ferry. While there, I saw a sign "Ho's reunion dinner". My husband said "the Ho Clan". And in TODAY paper, 8 Feb 10, page 2, there was the report titled "Family of 71 digs in".

Full report says:

"If you think organizing everyone's schedules for reunion dinner is tough, the Ho family tops it all. With 71 members in the extended family, they decided to hedge their bets by holding their feast yesterday. And it worked. From the youngest to the eldest, almost everyone in this family of 11 siblings made it for their early reunion lunch at the Singapore Yacht Club - even if the traditional lo hei meal got a little messy. A closely-knit family, the Ho siblings have carried on with this tradition from the time they all lived together in an HDB flat in Queenstown. And this, despite the fact that their parents - whose photos were shown in a slide show at the meal - have since died.

I thought about our family and "well, if they can do it, so can we." Then I thought "what must it take for them to do this year after year"? I guessed there has to be commitment and leadership, among other things. For us, our Ho Family Retreat 2011 will be it!!!